Scarce
by JodithGrace
Summary: After Wrecked, Buffy thinks that she is avoiding Spike, but it is the other way around.


Scarce

By Jody E.

These characters do not belong to me. I merely toy with them for my own amusement. 

Buffy wrapped her warm bathrobe around her and tiptoed out of her room. It was early, barely sunrise, and she didn't want to disturb the other members of the Summer's household. The door to Dawn's room was ajar, and Buffy peeked in. Thank goodness, she seemed to be sleeping peacefully. That second dose of pain medication Buffy had given her a couple of hours ago had done the trick. Buffy looked at the cast on Dawn's arm, resting awkwardly outside the covers. Dawn moved, and a look of pain fleetingly crossed her brow. Buffy's eyes filled with tears of sympathy and guilt. God…how could she have let last night's disaster happen? With a sigh, Buffy passed by the closed door of the room that had once been Buffy's mother's, and now belonged to Willow and Tara. Only now, Willow slept there alone. Buffy shook her head. Why hadn't she questioned Tara's leaving? Why had she accepted Willow's excuses at face value? Had her loyalty to Willow blinded her to what was really going on with her friend, or had she been so distracted by her own tumultuous feelings lately, that she hadn't even bothered to notice?

Buffy yawned noiselessly as she crept downstairs. Last night had been hideously long and sleepless. At 3:00 AM, she had finally decided that Spike would NOT be trying anything, and had gotten undressed and gone to bed, only to lie wide awake until Dawn called out for her an hour later. Three more wretched hours had crept by, and Buffy could stay in bed no longer. Maybe a cup of coffee would help. She could make French toast for Dawn. Tara had been the big breakfast maker in their odd little family, but French Toast was easy enough. Moreover, it was Sunday, so no worries about school. Willow wouldn't have to get up either. That was good. Let her sleep…if she could. 

Buffy heard the thump of the Sunday paper hitting the front door. Great. Maybe Dear Abby would cheer her up this morning. The people in those columns had such mundane problems. How many of them had been resurrected from the dead and had a best friend who was addicted to magic? Not to mention that whole sex with a vampire thing. Buffy smiled grimly to herself. She could write a letter to Dear Abby that would knock her socks off. Buffy opened the front door and looked out. The paper was there, in its green plastic wrapper, and something else. A bouquet of orange and rust colored flowers tied with a string. Spike! Damn it all to hell! Was THIS his next big move...flowers? So what would be next...a box of candy in the mailbox? Buffy stepped out onto the front porch, looking all around. No sign of him. Of course, the sun was already up. But she _knew_ that he had been lurking here all night. Typical. Angrily, Buffy strode to the large oak tree in front of her house, Spike's favorite hangout, not noticing that she was barefoot and that the grass was wet and very cold. The idiot always left evidence. Buffy knelt down and examined the tree, like Sherlock Holmes looking for clues. Odd…the tree trunk sported no tell tale cigarette butts and the grass held no incriminating footprints. She looked up at her own window. Through the half-opened blinds, she could clearly see the ropes of garlic hanging there. Okay. Good. So he had gotten the hint and not hung around. Very good. Just dropped off the flowers and split. Well, if he thought that a bunch of wilted chrysanthemums from her neighbor's garden was going to win her heart; he had another think coming. 

Buffy went back to the house. She picked up the bouquet from the porch. Underneath, there was a large square envelope. What now? A love letter? She snatched up the envelope and prepared to rip it in half, when she noticed the single word inscribed on the front, in Spike's quaint Victorian handwriting.

Niblet.

Oh.

The realization hit her. The flowers and the card were for Dawn! Well, of course. Duh. The one with the broken arm! Feeling incredibly foolish, Buffy brought the flowers inside and put them in a vase with some water. She would bring them up with the breakfast later. Buffy looked in wonder at the card. Obviously a store bought Hallmark type card. Where on earth could Spike have gotten it in the middle of the night? Elementary, my dear Watson. The supermarket on Main St. was open all night and had cards. Damn him. Why did he have to be so nice? Every time she managed to convince herself that a relationship with him was a terrible idea, and never to be considered, he had to go and pull something like this. It was so not fair.

******************************************************************

Buffy carried the heavy tray up the stairs with ease. The French Toast didn't look too pathetic, and she had to admit the vase of flowers was a nice touch. She had been upstairs to give Dawn her next dose of medication about a half an hour ago, and had told her that breakfast was coming. Though it was more like brunch, since it was nearly noon. Dawn was sitting propped up in bed, and as Buffy positioned the tray, her face lit up at the flowers. 

"You have a secret admirer," said Buffy smiling. "These were on the front porch this morning."

"Spike?" guessed Dawn.

"Spike," sighed Buffy.

Dawn ripped open the card. It was a typically silly get well card; featuring cows dressed as doctors and nurses. Buffy tried to peek over Dawn's shoulder to read what he had written inside, but Dawn closed the card and put it down, before Buffy could see. 

"So...what did Spike have to say for himself? " Buffy asked nonchalantly.

"None of your beeswax," said Dawn, smugly. "This French toast looks yummy. Uh...you don't have to stay here."

"Are you sure you're okay, Dawn?"

"Fine. Go. Let me eat in peace."

Buffy smiled at her sister, and turned to leave. She had almost reached the door, when she heard a plaintive, "Buffy?"

She turned back. Dawn smiled sheepishly.

"I feel like a total dork…but could you please cut up my French Toast?"

Buffy laughed. They had both forgotten the cast. At least it was her left arm. But even so, what was she going to do about school? Dawn was already behind because of various problems this Fall. Surely, allowances would be made. Maybe Willow could…no. Not Willow. Whatever problems Dawn had, she, Buffy, would handle them. She cut up Dawn's French Toast, and turned on the little TV set for her. Buffy kissed the top of her sister's head, and left the room.

Back in her own room, Buffy closed the blinds, lay down on her tortured bed and tried to take a nap. Despite her exhaustion, it was impossible. Images of the last two nights kept coming back in full color and sensaround sound. Willow, trembling, with those scary black eyes. Dawn crumpled on the ground, covered with blood. The demon dissolving in flames. Spike kneeling beside Dawn, comforting her. Spike in the wreckage of an abandoned house. Spike.

"Damn it! " Buffy jumped up, "I guess a nap is not going to happen."

She went downstairs. Nothing on television except sports. She had already read the paper, staring blankly at the comics, in no mood to laugh at Hagar the Horrible today. And what was the deal with Dilbert anyway? Was it really supposed to be funny? She just didn't get it. The house was neat enough, no need for a cleaning frenzy. And she didn't want to go out, not with Dawn here alone with Willow.

Willow had not yet appeared this morning. Presumably, she had not had an easy night either. Was there some kind of Twelve-step program for magic addiction? How about vampire addiction? Gee...maybe she could track down Riley in Belize and find out if HE knew of a program. Okay…SO not funny. Buffy stood up and went into the kitchen, wondering what time it was in England.

On the wall, near the phone was Giles' number, with a handy time chart for the mathematically impaired. Okay, so it was late night in England. He was probably out at some pub, drinking pints, playing darts and eating fish and chips, or whatever the hell they do over there. Hardly any point in calling. But she dialed the number anyway. To Buffy's surprise, Giles answered immediately. He seemed delighted and relieved to hear from her.

"I was just about to ring you, myself." He said, sounding reassuringly like the Giles she knew, "I was just waiting for the appropriate time. I know you like to sleep late on Sundays. It-it is still Sunday there, correct?"

"Yes, Giles. Sunday noonish. Don't you have a chart? So why were you calling me?"

"I-I've been worried about you. Just a bad feeling I've had the past few days…nothing I could really put my finger on. But I didn't hear from you, so I hoped that what ever it was you were coping with it."

"Not-not all that well," Buffy said, suddenly close to tears, "It's-it's Willow."

Giles waited, while Buffy calmed down enough to tell him about what had happened with Willow and Dawn last night.

"Good Lord," exclaimed Giles. "It is even worse than I had imagined. And you say Dawn is alright?"

"Well, she has a broken arm, but the Doctor says she'll be fine. But, Giles...it-it could have been so much worse…."

"Yes. I was afraid of something like this. Willow's powers have grown beyond her strength to use them wisely."

"And- and I was just too blind to notice that h-her magic was out of control. You should be here, Giles..." Buffy added reproachfully, " Willow respects you. You could help her."

Giles sighed, "Unfortunately, I don't find that to be the case, Buffy. I wish that there _were _something I could do. But if you think about it, Willow has never listened to me on the subject of magic. Ever since she performed that re-souling spell on Angel, she has gone her own way, and nothing that I have ever said to her, no dire warnings, or bad experiences have kept her from delving deeper and deeper into it. The fact is, I am not Willow's watcher, and never have been. Nor am I her parent. I don't have any authority over her, and she knows it. "

Buffy thought about all the times Willow had snuck books from the restricted section of the library, or had gone behind Giles' back to perform spells, and had to admit he was right. In fact, he didn't know the half of it. 

"I guess we have always encouraged her to break the rules, when it helped us. Even back in her computer hacking days. I really think it's the power she's hooked on, more than the magic itself."

"That is most likely true. Power is incredibly corrupting. Look at Ethan Reynes." Giles sighed, "This Rack chap. Were you able to find his place?"

"No. It's hidden. Only witches and vampires can find it, supposedly."

"Oh…perhaps you could take Spike along to help you look."

"Spike? Uh...actually, I did. He couldn't find it either."

"Really? Interesting." 

"Interesting? Why?"

"Uh…no reason. Nothing relevant to the problem at hand, which is Willow. Have you a plan?"

"Plan. Well, Xander and Anya are coming over at 2:00. And Tara too. For a meeting. I guess we'll try to come up with a plan then. With Willow, of course."

"Tara? Has Tara moved out then?"

"Oh...yes. Last week. Dawn is taking it really hard. Giles, I miss you. These past few days...have been so…strange. I can't begin to tell you how strange. I can't cope, Giles."

"Buffy. You may think that you aren't coping, but you are. You found Willow and Dawn. You fought the demon. Dawn is safe. And you and Willow will work things out. It's really up to her, you know."

"I know." Buffy hesitated, "There's one other thing, Giles. Kind of a biggie."

"Yes, Buffy?"

"I-I…uh…s-somebody stole a big diamond from the museum and froze the security guard. Do you think it's some kind of Frost demon?"

"A diamond, Buffy? Hmmm. I may be totally off base here, but unless the diamond has some special mystical properties, that sort of crime just seems human to me. Humans value items of that nature much more than demons do."

"Humans, huh? But what about the whole freezing thing? The guard is still defrosting."

"Yes, that bit is rather odd. Perhaps it was humans with some sort of a…freezing ray? I know that sounds rather like Dr. Who, but I suppose something of that sort might be possible nowadays."

"Dr. who?"

"Nevermind. It's a British thing. Ask Spike. It's just that in Sunnydale pretty much anything is possible."

"So, we should look into humans with freeze rays. Great. Next we'll be beaming each other up."

"Precisely. Uh...was there anything else, Buffy? I hate to think of your telephone bill."

"Um...no. I guess that's it. I'll let you know what happens."

"Please do. Buffy...you know that if it were ever really necessary, I would…"

"I know, Giles."

"But I really think that you can manage. This may sound strange, but as upset as you are…you still sound more alive to me than you did just last week. Just being this concerned about Dawn and Willow is a good thing for you."

"Yeah, I guess the self pity party went on a bit too long, huh?"

"You've been though a lot, Buffy. But remember that you are strong. And you can fight the good fight. And it's your love for your sister and your friends that makes you strong. So, you hold onto that."

"I will Giles. Talk to you soon."

"Good night, Buffy."

Buffy hung up the phone, smiling at Giles' goodnight, when it was just after noon. Well, it was past time to get Willow up, if she was going to be at the meeting. And Dawn should come down too. She was a part of things now. In fact, from the story Buffy heard last night, of Willow and Dawn, Dawn was the more mature.

Buffy knocked loudly on Willow's door. No answer. "Willow?" Buffy called, ""Willow, are you in there? Time to get up!"

There was no answer from the room, no sound at all. Buffy suddenly had the feeling that Willow wasn't in there at all; that the room was empty. She turned the doorknob. Locked. "Willow!" Buffy shouted, "WILLOW!" Buffy was preparing to utilize some force, when she heard Willow's voice from inside. "Buffy? It's okay. I'm here."

The door opened, and Willow looked out. She looked terrible, her robe clutched around her. "Sorry. I must have finally fallen asleep."

"You scared me, Will. I thought you were unconscious or...something. Are you okay?"

Willow sighed, "Fine. Comparatively speaking. How is Dawnie this morning?"

"Better. Eating French toast as we speak. Would you like some?"

"Sure."

"Okay. There's some left over in the kitchen. It's cold, but you can nuke it. I'm going to help Dawn get dressed. The gang is arriving at two. No magic."

"No magic," Willow said humbly, "I'm going to take a shower. I'll be down soon." The door closed.

At two o'clock, Xander and Anya arrived, followed shortly by Tara. Dawn had come downstairs and was curled up in an easy chair in the corner. Willow was upstairs. 

"How is everybody?" Xander asked in a worried voice.

"Dawn is fine. Willow's been better. I've barely seen her today. I think she's hiding out."

Anya brought a small wrapped gift over to Dawn. "Here...it's a get well present. Though how a pair of earrings will help you get better any faster, I have no idea. They don't have any special powers or anything. Oh and Xander says we have to sign your cast." Dawn smiled, as Anya helped her open the package.

Tara was visibly upset and after greeting Buffy and hugging Dawn gently, went to sit by herself over on the sofa. The news of Willow's escapade had hit her very hard. 

Xander spoke to Buffy. "This is bad, Buff. What are we going to do? "

"I have no idea. I even phoned Giles earlier, but he has no wonderful advice to offer either. It's true that Willow never did listen to him about magic even when he was here."

"Well, speaking of Brits, I still think we should have had this meeting tonight when Spike could be here."

Buffy exploded, "Spike! What is this sudden obsession with Spike, all of a sudden? You don't even like the guy!"

"Whoa, Buff! I never said that vampires are my favorite people. Or even that Spike is my favorite vampire…though given the competition…he pretty much wins by default. But like him or not, the fact is, he's been very helpful to us, you included. While you were...gone, Buffy, Spike was practically a part of the gang. It's just silly to exclude him."

Anya had come up behind Buffy and Xander while they were talking. "He's very smart, you know, plus he knows a lot about magic. Besides, I thought that you two were getting along pretty well these days, patrolling together and all. What, did you have a fight or something? "

Xander was suddenly serious; "Hey he's not harassing you again, is he? Because if he's becoming stalker guy again, I will gladly knock his block off, believe me."

"NO! No harassment. No stalking. No fight. No nothing. Okay? We'll invite him to the next meeting. No problem."

Anya looked at Buffy's bright red face, and smiled brightly. "See Xander? I told you she gets all flustered when we mention Spike."

Xander looked at Anya in horror, "Don't say that Anya! I so do not want to hear that!"

"I am NOT flustered! There is no flusteredness here. If you all think Spike can be helpful, then we will include him. That's all I have to say on the matter. Now, I have to go upstairs and get Willow." Buffy practically ran up the stairs.

"Oh God," she thought to herself as she hastily looked at her still red face in the bathroom mirror. "Why not just wear a sandwich board announcing that I slept with Spike? And here I was worried about _him _telling!" 

She glared at herself in the mirror, "Just calm down. You can do this. Remember Willow. And Dawn. Forget Spike. No thoughts of Spike. Good." Calmly she went and knocked on Willow's door.

******************************************************************

"Listen you guys, I'm going to patrol early. I didn't sleep last night, and I want to get to bed early." Buffy was putting on her black leather coat as she spoke. 

Xander, Anya and Dawn were playing Monopoly at the dining room table. A couple of empty pizza boxes littered the table, along with some petrified pizza remains. Tara had left earlier, after the meeting. Willow had gone upstairs, claiming the need for sleep. 

"No problem, Buff. We'll stay here until you get back." Xander grinned at Dawn as he put a hotel on Park Place. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"That is such an obvious move, Xander. My utilities and railroads will prevail, never fear," announced Anya, as she rolled the dice. 

Buffy took off down the street. It was good to get out of the Summer's house o' tension. The meeting had gone pretty much as Buffy had imagined it would. Willow was contrite and made solemn promises. They all pledged support, and offered to stay with her in shifts so that she wouldn't be alone in the house. Beyond that, there wasn't much they could do. Buffy had mentioned Giles' conclusion about the diamond theft, and they had all laughed at the thought of a freeze ray. But at least it meant they could give up the research. Human thieves were a job for the human police, and even if Sunnydale's Finest weren't the sharpest crayons in the law enforcement box, that was not their problem. So, unless something else of a supernatural nature appeared, the case was officially closed.

Now if only the case of herself and Spike could be resolved so easily. At every corner, Buffy kept expecting him to jump out at her. It was very nerve-wracking. And what would she say to him when he did? Rudeness was no deterrent. Neither was punching, since these days he could punch right back. Of course, she _could_ try being nice to the guy. Xander was right. He had helped them, and her especially. Just remembering how tender he had been with Dawn last night gave her the chills. He could be like that with her, if she gave him half a chance. But no…she couldn't do that. She'd given chances before, and taken them too, and all it led to was heartache and pain. Better to think of Spike as an addiction, like Willow's magic. Just say no, like the ads said. Pleasure today is pain tomorrow. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. This is your brain. This is your brain on Spike, any questions? Rinse and repeat, as many times as necessary. So where _was _he tonight? As Buffy entered the cemetery where Spike had his crypt, Buffy suddenly realized that she had made all of her rounds with no sign of him, for the first time since she had come back. Was everything okay? Buffy hurried to Spike's crypt, but when she got there, it was quiet and deserted. Not even a candle burning. Feeling oddly deflated, Buffy made her way back home. 

When she got there, Xander and Anya were curled up on the sofa watching TV. Dawn had gone to bed. All seemed peaceful. When Buffy went in to check on Dawn who was sound asleep, she noticed that Dawn's cast was now covered with funny doodles and names. And right in the middle was Spike's distinctive signature, visible even in the moonlight. Spike? He was here tonight? Xander and Anya hadn't mentioned it. Probably afraid to, for fear that she would jump down their throats again. Nevertheless, it was good that he came by. Probably meant a lot to Dawn.

Buffy opened the door to her room. Whoa...essence of Shrimp Scampi gone bad! No wonder vampires were turned off by garlic. Even _she_ didn't want to go in there. Well, time to get rid of the stuff. Obviously Spike was not going to be dropping by. Why should he...he got what he wanted, didn't he? He wouldn't kill her so he'd found a different way to get another notch on his slayer belt. He'd said it himself. Killing slayers or screwing them…it was all the same to him. A rebellious voice from somewhere south of Buffy's brain whispered that that was _not _what he had said. That in its own crude way his comment had been a compliment. But the self-righteous voice in Buffy's brain was in no mood to give Spike the benefit of the doubt. If he was so sincere about his feelings, then where the hell _was _he? Never mind that she had told him to get out of her life. Never mind that she had rejected him in every way possible short of putting a stake through his heart. Buffy ripped the garlic off the windows and threw it into her little wicker garbage can, which she then brought downstairs and emptied into the trashcan outside. On the back porch, Buffy looked out through the darkness…her senses attuned to vampires. No, he wasn't there. She checked outside the front door too. Nada. Suddenly overcome by misery, for which she refused to acknowledge the cause, Buffy climbed the stairs to her lonely room and cried herself to sleep.

****************************************************************

Monday. Dawn was still on medication so she had to stay home from school, but Willow went off to classes. She looked much better, and told Buffy that she had gotten a good night's sleep. She laughed at the fact that she was almost late, because she had forgotten how long it took to get ready without magic. 

By mid-afternoon, Buffy and Dawn were both totally bored and stir crazy. Buffy decided that Dawn was well enough to go with her to the Magic Box to bug Anya a bit. If nothing else they could look at the ugly bridesmaids dresses in the Bridal magazines she collected.

There were a few customers milling about in the shop, but Anya was happy to see Buffy and Dawn. 

"It is so lonely working here all by myself, now that Giles is gone." She added hastily, "Not that there was anything going on between Giles and me. Xander is the man I love."

Buffy and Dawn exchanged a look. Buffy smiled and said, "Uh…Anya, believe me...nobody ever thought there was anything between you and Giles."

"Good. Because there wasn't. We only thought we were engaged because of the spell."

"I know. Believe me. I understand. Totally." Buffy said emphatically, remembering her own Willow induced engagement. Back then, they had all missed the warning signs of Willow's use of magic. Only this time it was going to take more than chocolate chip cookies to undo the damage.

Buffy was ringing up a customer, when she noticed a smallish brown bag behind the counter with Spike's name on it. "What is this?" she asked Anya, who was stacking jars behind her.

"Oh, just an order for Spike. I have no way to phone him to tell him it's in. But I imagine he will drop by for it eventually."

Buffy looked at the bag, curiously, "What is it? More of that bursa root stuff?" She picked up the bag, and weighed it in her hand; "Oh...feels like a book.."

"_Narcissus in Chains._ It just came out in paperback."

Buffy took the book out of the bag and looked at the cover doubtfully. A blurry picture of the back of a semi-nude woman, hands bound with chains. She made a face, and hastily shoved it back into the bag. "Ewwww."

"It's a new department we are just opened." Anya said brightly. "See, over there next to the Magic How To books."

"What, you're opening a porn section?"

"No. Supernatural fiction. Xander vetoed the whole porn idea."

"Supernatural fiction. And Spike reads this stuff? Spike reads?"

"It's part of a whole series. I haven't read them myself. But they are very popular."

Buffy looked at Dawn. She was occupied with homework, having phoned her friends for the assignments. "Why don't I deliver this for you? I-I have to talk to Spike, anyway. About the whole Frost demon thing not being a frost demon."

"Oh, we told him all about that last night, when he dropped by to see Dawn. But if you want to go see him, you might as well deliver the book while you're at it. I'll put it on his account."

"He has an account? What does he pay you with...kittens?"

"No. I told you that we don't take kittens…during orientation, remember?"

Buffy sighed. "Never mind." She took the bag. "Dawn, I'll be back in a little while, and we'll get some dinner. Will you be okay here?"

"Fine, Buffy. See ya later." She smiled to herself, as she turned another page.

************************************************************

When Buffy reached Spike's crypt, her heart was thumping painfully in her chest. There was no sign of him upstairs, though it was still daylight so he was probably home. She called downstairs, "Spike? It's me. Are you there?"

Buffy heard a sigh, then Spike's voice**, "**I'm here, Slayer." Buffy frowned. He didn't sound too happy to hear her voice. Well, fine. She would drop off the book and leave. Mindful of the last time she had found Spike at home, she was careful to call down, "Are you decent?"

He chuckled, "Well, that's a matter of opinion, innit?"

"Very funny, Spike! You know damn well what I mean. Are you dressed?"

Another sigh. "Yes, Buffy. Never fear. I am fully dressed."

Buffy climbed down the ladder into the lower level of the crypt. Spike was sitting up in his bed, reading a companion to the book she held in her hand. He was, as he claimed, fully dressed in black tee shirt and jeans, though his feet were bare, and there was a pair of wire rimmed glasses perched on his nose, and the inevitable cigarette in his mouth. He read a few more words, and then stuck a Magic Box bookmark into the book and closed it. He looked up at Buffy quizzically, removing his glasses and placing them on the table. "What can I do for you Slayer? Is everything all right? How is Little Bit?"

"Dawn is much better. She's going back to school tomorrow. She really appreciated the flowers and the card."

"Wasn't much. How's Red doin' with the Magic situation?"

Buffy sighed. "So far, so good. I guess. But really, how can we tell? I mean, how are we supposed to know if she's cheating? It's not like we can smell it on her breath or have her pee in a cup."

"I think you'll know if she starts up again. You'll feel it. Was there something you wanted, Slayer?"

"Oh. This is from Anya. Your book came in." Buffy handed Spike the bag.

"Oh, thanks. But there was no need to rush it over here. Haven't finished _Obsidian Butterfly _yet." He indicated the book on the table. "Now that you've delivered it, I'll have to pay for it, won't I."

"Oh. I didn't think of that. Sorry." Buffy felt incredibly awkward, all of a sudden, "I didn't know you liked to read. " 

"A lot you don't know about me, pet. Not like we've ever had an actual conversation."

"No…I guess you're right. Uh…Anya told me these books are a series. Are they any good?"

"They're entertainin' enough, though it's obvious this Hamilton bird has never met a real vampire. You wouldn't believe how she has 'em dress. Like total poofs."

Buffy opened her mouth to say that if the author _had_ ever met a real vampire, she never would have lived to write the books, but thought better of it. Instead, she looked around, desperate for a topic. Her eyes fell on the table by the bed. "So what's with the glasses? I thought vampires have super senses."

"We're predators, love. Our vision is great at long distances, but not that special when it comes to fine print. So, I still need my specs. Bloody inconvenient, if you ask me."

Spike put his cigarette out in the ashtray near his bed and reached for his book and glasses. "Excuse me, pet, but if there's nothing else…I was kind of at the excitin' bit here. Thanks for the book.." 

Buffy stood there stunned at his casual dismissal, as Spike put his glasses back on and opened his book. She felt her eyes fill with tears. "Sorry I bothered you, " she managed to choke out, and turned to walk out. She would not run. She would salvage as much dignity as she could. She remembered running after Parker in a similar situation and her face grew hot with humiliation. She reached the ladder and started to climb it. 

"Slay...Buffy, wait." 

She climbed up another step. In an instant, Spike was off the bed and at the ladder. He put his hands on her shoulders to prevent her from climbing. She pushed him off with enough force to send him flying. He landed on the ground with a painful thump. "Buffy. Don't go! Please."

She turned around and came back down the ladder, tears running down her cheeks in spite of all her efforts to prevent them, "What do you want, Spike? I was leaving. I can take a hint. I don't need an anvil dropped on my head. We've had our fling. I won't bother you again." 

Spike jumped up. "Buffy! Is that what you think? That I don't want you any more? That I'm some one night stand guy like that soddin' Parker git? Is that really what you think of me?"

Buffy studied her feet. She couldn't let Spike see how he affected her, "Well, you've certainly made yourself scarce these last two days. What else was I supposed to think?"

"Buffy, love, do you ever even _listen_ to yourself? You _told_ me to sod off in no uncertain terms. I was just doin' what _you _wanted."

"Spike…I've been telling you to 'sod off' for years! And you suddenly pick _now _to start listening to me?"

"Love, I told you I wasn't going to be your whippin' boy any more. I figured if you changed your mind, you'd know where to find me."

"So, I come here, and you'd rather read a book than talk to me."

Spike went over to the bed, and picking up his book, he flung it across the room. 

"Sorry, love. I was havin' you on a bit. Didn't want you to see how happy I was that you came by. I was afraid you'd stomp me good, if I showed my true feelings. Guess I overdid it."

"Oh, Spike. Am I really that much of a bitch?"

"Well, not in general, love. But to me? Yeah."

"Oh. Well, don't lie to spare my feelings."

"You asked."

"Well, how about you? As I remember it, you weren't exactly sweet, tender morning after guy. I mean, 'the only thing better than killing a slayer is screwing one?' Now there's a romantic line. How do you explain that?"

Spike sighed, "I've been kickin' myself for the way that came out, love. What can I say? Great sex makes me stupid. Though I seem to recall _you_ bein' the one callin' us a _freak show_, as you were racin' out the door. Not exactly Miss Cuddles there, were you?"

"No…I guess not." Miss Cuddles? Suddenly, to her horror, Buffy realized that she was…giggling. "W-well, you have to admit, knocking down a whole house _was_ pretty freaky."

Spike was laughing too, "Pretty freakin' _incredible!_"

"Okay, okay…I admit it. It _was_ incredible! Are you happy now?"

"Will be in a minute." Spike pulled Buffy to him, and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back passionately. But she couldn't lose herself in her feelings, not quite yet. After a long moment, she pulled away.

"What's wrong, love?"

"Spike…what you said that morning…are you _sure_ that I'm not just another notch on your Slayer belt?"

Spike took Buffy's hand and pulled her over to his bed, where he sat down, pulling her down, beside him. He turned and looked her in the eye. "Is that what you've been worryin' about, Sweetheart? I told you it was a stupid thing to say, and I didn't mean it like it sounded. Just my idiot way of tellin' you that night was the best one of my life and unlife combined. But as for you bein' another notch on my slayer belt…well, that's just not possible."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean, Buffy, is that _you _conquered _me_. Notch belongs on _your_ belt. Not mine."

Buffy smiled up at him, eyes shining, "I threw mine away, Spike. I've decided that I don't want to keep score, any more."

Spike reached up and touched Buffy's hair, brushing it back from her face. She leaned in and their lips met. Her hands explored his face, those extraordinary cheekbones, his hair, soft and natural feeling, since he hadn't yet slicked it back. What was it about him that made her want him so? He wasn't human. He might never be good, as she defined it, though he had come a long way. He didn't have a soul, only a heart full of love for her and her sister. But somehow for Buffy, being with Spike was like coming home. He could match her…punch for punch, insult for insult and move for move. When they fought, a demon or each other, they were a matched team, and when they had made love it was hard to know where one of them began and the other ended.

Spike fell back on the bed, pulling Buffy with him. They rolled together so that Spike was above her kissing her neck where the pulse beat so enticingly and unbuttoning her blouse. Buffy realized that she desperately wanted to lose herself in Spike right here and now, but also that she couldn't. 

"Spike. Spike? Honey…we have to stop."

"Huh? Why, Buffy? What's wrong? Isn't this so much better than a pile of rubble?"

"Much better. Spike, believe me. I want to stay. I want you. But….I can't. I left Dawn at the Magic Box, and I only came here to drop off your book, then I was going to take her home for dinner. Plus Willow is coming back from school and there is nobody there."

Spike sat up, and helped Buffy up to a sitting position. Tenderly, he began rebuttoning her blouse. "S'okay, Sweetheart." 

"The thing is, Spike. I-I've been letting everybody cover for me, since I've been back. Giles was right. I haven't been a sister to Dawn or a friend to anybody. I-it's like I couldn't see beyond my own pain. But you, Spike…somehow you've woken me up. Made me _feel_ again. Okay, some of what I've felt has been awful. A lot of anger about my resurrection, which I guess I took out on you instead of Willow and Xander, which really wasn't fair, I know. You haven't done one thing but be a friend to me since I came back. But a lot of what I've been feeling is good...happy to be alive kind of good. Like what I felt the other night, and what I'm feeling right now. And I owe it all to you. "

"And so you're thankin' me by _not _sleeping with me, is that it?" Buffy looked up at him and saw that he was smiling. "Listen, Buffy…I knew that you came with a family and friends first time I tried to kill you. I'll never forget your mum, hittin' me with that ax. She was a great lady. I miss her. Anyway, it's part of what I love about you. And I know that obligations are part of the territory. But I want to see you again, and finish this good and proper. Tonight?" 

"Hmmm. I don't want to leave Willow and Dawn home alone all night. Do you mind coming to my house?" 

Spike chuckled, "Do I _mind? _Do you have any idea how many fantasies I've had that begin with me climbin' in through your bedroom window?"

Buffy laughed, "Spike you are incorrigible. But I've got to go." She stood up and straightened out her clothes, looking around in vain for a mirror to fix her hair and smeared makeup. "Listen, Spike, the sun has passed over the yardarm, whatever that is, so why don't you come with? Dinner's just potluck, only with a microwave instead of an actual pot. But it'll be nice. Dawn will be glad to see you."

"Sure you want to be seen with me, Buffy? Could cause you problems with the Scoobs."

"Hey...if I can come to terms with having you for a boyfriend, then so can they."

"And Niblett already knows about us, so…"

"You told _Dawn?"_

"Now don't go getting' your knickers in a twist_…She _told_ me! _Guessed it straight off, while we were waitin' in the ER. You may treat her like she's eight years old, but she's not. In fact, little sis is the one advised me to make myself scarce, give you some space to figure out how you felt. Worked like a charm, too."

Buffy and Spike climbed up the ladder and walked out into the dusk. Buffy shook her head; "I am going to have to have a long talk with that girl."

Spike took her hand. "Think she'd like a Siamese kitten?"

The End


End file.
